Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The J

Whoa! The Long Awaited has happened. And no, its not about Mimoh Chakraborty’s debut. Yours truly has finally launched into blogosphere. I’d resolved to do it long long ago, but turns out my M.I. is a bit on the higher side (apologies Hollywoodies.. that was a reference to my Moment of Inertia). Deciding on the topic of my inaugural post was a pain; It had to be good – after all, I’d be shoving my opinion on issues down connoiseurs’ throats. Two long days of consideration and confusion complete, I settled on the most interesting phenomenon to surface around here in the last few years – ME. So here’s it. Chakh le India!

Rioters Intercontinental (No relation to a certain GreatState NewConstruction Sena - GNS) reports -

Kappa (k) Male Jacob Philip Michael (henceforth referred to as The J) has been inhabiting the northern Himesphere of Planet Earrrrth for close to a quarter of a century. Long rumored to possess supernatural powers, it has now been proved beyond doubt, that in The J, Earrrrth has the ultimate superstar (Note - We were the first to report that.. guffaw.. guffaw..ToI.. ToI). Ample evidence to this was on display last fortnight when The J convincingly won the latest reality show, ‘Haath Hilao, Hurricane Lao’, defeating the Force, RJNKNT (Thou shall not spell the Force’s name with vowels) himelf. The J, by merely moving his hands horizontally in two assorted Shaolin moves produced enough air movement to lower Mumbai’s temperatures by 50C for a week. In comparison, the Force, despite repeated air-karate chops couldn’t come anywhere close (Chennai’s temperatures continued to soar). Stunned by the Force’s rout, RJNKNT devotees have decided to henceforth bathe his cutouts in yak milk.

Jacob.. er... The J was recently in the news for taking on the EKKKta-Surooor combine that conspired to gain clandestine control over Earth’s visual media - TV and film. Of course, he has been highly successful in his efforts with TV channel Zzzzzzee beginning to air the popular serial Jab Sasur Tha Daamaad starring The J, who has also directed and produced the serial besides choreographing and designing costumes. JSTD portrays the lives of 33 characters, including 6 pairs of twins, 8 characters who would die and be re-incarnated and 2 who suffer from Aparichitan tendencies. The J himself plays 32 of the characters. For those concerned about character-arithmetic, the serial also features a dog creatively named Jkutra (and not simply Kutra). Despite his desire to do a clean sweep of all roles, The J reluctantly made way for an actual dog to play the character.

You might recall that The J had earlier successfully taken on the might of a certain koffee-sipping evil movie director/producer and had beaten him at his own game by bringing out such smash hit movies as the super-duper gluey Kabhi Fevistik Kabhi Gum, romantic Sab Kuch Ho Gaya and extra-inter-intramarital magnum opus Hamesha Tata Bolna. Victory complete, The J, sipping a pack of Jumpin Juicy (you got it.. its The J world), had then declared "Aieeeeeee saala, Koffee chhod.. pee (pun unintended) le cinkara .. Aaj se tera naam hoga Kkaren Jo-Hara". With this dialogue, he had gone one up on and effectively ended all competition from yet another demi-god, action-dialogue Monarch “Mit” the “Hun”, the One we have always known as Prabhuji. Prabhuji, it may be noted, is worshipped on vast sections of the Earrrrth for such soulful dialogue-gems as “Dikhne me bewada, daudne me ghoda, aur maarne me hathoda hoon main” and “Main tumhe Hatela se Katela bana doonga”.

Now for the twist – Why is The J a Kappa male? (The only K in The J’s world). This is what he revealed to us in an exclusive interview, “You see I yumm basically yae malayali.. I wear a lungi.. I eat lots of kappa and kappa is the secret of my yanergy”. For those poor souls who are not Malliterate (Webster.. are you reading?), kappa is Malayalam for tapioca - a high energy tuber dish eaten in Kerala. The J was however quick to clarify, in lieu of GNS’ recent stand, that he had now completely identified with GreatState - the province of his domicile, learnt to speak the local language (he lavishly peppered his statements with ‘Arrecha’ and ‘Chama**la’) and had done his bit for the place.

BTW, did we mention modesty and humility as two of his stand-out qualities? Umm.. We also didn’t mention megalomania, did we? Hail The J!